A Model for Child Abuse and Neglect

Philip G. Ney, MD, MA, FRCPC, RPsych

© 1996

Introduction

Parents abandoning, neglecting or attacking their own children is an almost universal phenomena and creates a difficult to explain enigma. Why would parents of any species seek to damage or destroy their own young? It must surely indicate some significant ecological disequilibrium.

As with other difficult concepts, it may be that the most clear way to explain what is happening is with a metaphor. The metaphor I use is that of a construction of a lovely building. The designer is the Creator. The blueprint is given to the contractor, who in this model is the child. The parents are the building supplier and the world the resources that the suppliers order from.

The Beautiful Castle

Regardless of their genetic endowment, each child is a unique creation, a castle with its own layout and particular beauty. In this metaphor, the contractor is also the child who is able to scan his blueprint. The sentient aspects of every human is to understand what he is becoming and to, because of that, know what he needs.

It is essential that each child be recognised for their uniqueness and be welcomed as who they are, where they are and when they are. To be a wanted child implies that the child has to meet some other person's prerequisites of what he should be. If the first right of every child is to be wanted, then if the child is not wanted they have no right to be. It is an obvious corollary that is not lost on children. As wanted children, they feel they have to stay wantable to stay alive. Though children have every desire to please their parents, this distorts who they are. They begin to misread their own blueprint and try hard to be what others expect them to be. The more uncertain their existence, the more dependant they are on being wanted and the more distortions they will read into their blueprint, and thus the little castle becomes an awkwardly built composite of who the child is and who people expect him to be.

The child is both castle and contractor. Having scanned his own blueprint, he now feels intense pressure to gain the right materials in the right order to create the structure. Obviously the first thing he needs is a good building site, a firm foundation and plenty of reinforced concrete in the form of security, acceptance and early nurturing.

The Building Supplier

The little contractor, having scanned his blueprint, goes to the nearest building supplier, i.e. his parents. Hopefully they will welcome him, go over the blueprint with him and agree that he needs certain materials and provide him amply with what he needs. Unfortunately, too often the child arrives and is not particularly welcome. It may be quite apparent that the suppliers want the business and want the child but have preconceptions about what kind of a building this little contractor should construct or want his business only for certain purposes of their own. Because the blueprint is embedded in the mind of the little contractor, he can provide the most accurate description of what is needed. Parents who are able to welcome the child as they are, where they are and when they are more likely to be able to see that blueprint through the eyes of the contractor. The little contractor then requests certain building materials and the supplier may respond in one of three ways;

1) "That is not really what you need. What you need is this instead."

2) "We do not have any of what you need, so why are you asking you foolish little contractor?"

3) "We have it, but we are not giving it to you because we want it for ourselves. You had better go elsewhere."

In fact, the child is able to give the parents correct feedback about how clearly they are reading his blueprint and providing him with what he needs. Unfortunately, parents are too often preoccupied with their own struggles to hear the child's correcting feedback or appreciate it for what it is. It is not necessary for child development for parents to be perfect, but they have to be adequate. They have to be capable of restraining themselves from imposing their own blueprint on the child.

Obviously, very few building suppliers have enough stock in hand to meet all the requirements, and therefore they have to order elsewhere. The world at large should provide for the parents with a modicum of effort on their part. That is, they should not have to take from the essential time they have to spend with the child. If all went well, when the building suppliers run out they should be able to put in an order, pay what is necessary and supply what is needed at exactly the right time the contractor needs it.

Neglect

Neglect is defined in this metaphor as not providing enough of or the right building materials or with the right timing for the construction. Because the little contractor is so determined to complete the construction, it is impossible for him to wait. He tends to go on with the construction regardless of whether he has the right materials and he may use scrap or leave off parts of the castle when the right materials are not available. When this happens, the little contractor becomes increasingly angry because he constantly scan his blueprint and has in mind what he could be but sees the castle he is building has not got a good foundation, is lop-sided and everything else is out of square because of that.

In the inveterate progression of child development no one really knows how much of the building materials left out at an early stage can be used at later stages of development. It is obvious that a child that has not breast fed has missed out on physical contact, psychological stimulation, essential fatty acids, anti-bodies and many other things that only breast feeding can supply. No amount of breast feeding later on would make up for the deficit. Unfortunately, the little contractor, having been neglected, still cannot understand why he could not find the building materials. He will search high and low, even obtaining material that is toxic or detrimental to the construction of his little castle. Thus develops a deep resentment coupled with a deep yearning that never seems to go away.

In an adequate world, the most adjacent building supplier is the one that knows the child best. The parents, having a similar blueprint, should best be able to understand and read the child's blueprint accurately. Strangers, day-care personnel, etc., may be well motivated, but they do not have the same intuitive ability to understand what and when the little contractor needs things.

The suppliers may not provide the child with what is necessary because; 1) there is nothing in stock, or 2) they are withholding it for themselves, or 3) they do not know what is good material and give the contractor the wrong stuff, or 4) they consider themselves the wrong supplier and the child should go elsewhere, or 5) they consider the child is the wrong builder.

Abuse

Abuse is defined as partially or totally wrecking the little castle under construction. This may occur as a result of malice of forethought, but more frequently it is stupidity and immaturity. Our studies have found that, given a variety of options, even small children are more likely to pick immaturity of parents as a cause then they are alcoholism, unemployment, etc. Children seem to perceive the fact that their parents might be able to provide them with what they need except that they themselves have not been properly constructed and do not have very much in the stock room.

When neglect or abuse occurs, it creates a conflict. The conflict increases the unnecessary and inefficient expenditure of energy. Therefore, children must resolve conflicts. In their little lives they seldom have the opportunity because they are so desperately trying to construct their castle and they have so very few people who understand what occurred. Therefore the conflict is carried on into their adult life where they attempt to resolve it by either 1) thinking deeply about it, 2) discussing it with friend or counsellor, 3) or, most importantly, re-enacting it. It is the determined re-enactment of unresolved tragedies that are the most pathetic phenomena in child psychiatry.

Contractor's Determination

It is impossible to stop the contractor. It may be possible to slow the child up, but he is determined to do his best to follow the blueprint. Abuse may destroy part of his little castle, but he picks up the pieces and tries very hard to put them together again. It is only after many occasions of partial destruction that the child tends to give up. It is for this reason that verbal abuse is more destructive. It convinces the little contractor that he is doing it all wrong and that he should not have even been trying. Moreover, rather than reading his own blueprint, he should be listening to the orders given by the suppliers and their suppliers.

In their desperate search for building materials, children may develop false faces, that of the dancer and urchin. The dancer hopes that if they are good enough for long enough the supplier will eventually provide the right materials. The urchin slinks into the corner, miserably considering his situation but hoping still that somebody, out of pity, will give him enough of what he needs.

Resolution

Because of the inveterate order of building and the determination whereby children keep trying, many little castles are lop-sided with leaky roofs, holes in the floor and broken windows. It may be possible to repair some of these, but the foundation still is inadequate. Realising the child needs twelve cubic metres of good concrete, the builders are absolutely furious when somebody offers them one wheelbarrow full. Part of treatment, then, is helping an individual realise that it is not possible for them to become the castle they were designed to be. If they can do that, they are less disappointed with what they are offered and more appreciative of what they get. When they are more appreciative of what they get, it is easier to give to them and consequently they get more.