Guilt and Mourning:
Family Strategies to Deal with Anxiety

Dr. Marie A. PEETERS, Professor Philip G. NEY

Presented at: Third International Congress Movimento Per la Vita Italiano, "Psychological Effects of Abortion" Rome, February 8-9 1996

In the first part we would like to analyse some of the conflicts encountered in the family dynamics when there has been an abortion. We will consider the problems as seen from the child's perspective.  This aspect is of particular importance because it will affect the future of our world. Indeed, if children grow up in families where there are deep unresolved issues, their psychological sufferings and conflicts  will be carried on to the next generation. In a sense our world cannot survive when a large proportion of people in any given society are deeply wounded.

Family dynamics are disturbed because of pathology encountered in the mother, the father and the surviving siblings. A women who has had an abortion suffers from deep conflicts which affect her normal parenting ability.  These have been  described by other speakers at this conference and therefore will not be reviewed.

Fathers suffer from the same conflicts as women but the expression of these conflicts are different. They deal with their conflicts either by violent behaviour (verbal or physical abuse), drinking or by expressing their feelings of impotence by leaving home or becoming a "phantom" figure.  Abortion survivors have a fear, mistrust and lost of respect of their fathers. These feeling arise, either because they perceive him as dangerous (because he forced the mother to abort) or as a consequence of his behaviour.  Children therefore lose both matriarchal and patriarchal figures. This precedes the transference of suspicion, distrust and loss of faith in any figure of authority. Children loss the protective aura which they need for normal development.

In addition to having to deal with the pathology in the parental figures, abortion survivors suffer their own conflicts. Some of these conflicts are in relation to being a survivor, others are linked to being a survivor of an abortion situation.  It seems that the conflicts associated with being an abortion survivor depends on the child's place in the family and at which moment the abortion took place.

If the abortion took place before the surviving child was born, he or she becomes a replacement child. He or she carries the weight of enormous parental expectations, both for himself and for the aborted baby. They are often haunted by this "other" child. This absent child would have been the perfect child and the following child has difficulties being themselves. Furthermore, because the mother is often suffering from post abortion syndrome (perhaps only at a subconscious level), the attachments between the mother and the child are anxiety-ridden ones and lead to anxious attachments.

If the abortion occurs after the birth of other children, these children "know" that something has happened.  Even if they are not told, they testify that something suddenly changed in their family.  They feel guilt believing they are somehow responsible for the fact that somebody had to die because they lived.  When children are brought into the abortion decision, the suffer from the Cain syndrome: " I killed my brother and now everyone will want to kill me".  They are lead to believe that one can kill if a person is handicapped or inconvenient.  In addition to the guilt they carry, they mistrust their parents.

Most people like to believe that children do not know that there has been an abortion in the family. They think they can keep that dark secret. There is increasing evidence to show that children do know and that the wounds of being an abortion survivor are deep and difficult to treat. These conflicts have to do with their intrinsic right to exist, problems with attachments, guilt and their inability to trust. Some of the conflicts are similar to those encountered in post abortive women but they are more difficult to treat because they are subconscious and can only be verbalised with difficulty.

In dealing with families hurt by abortion, ideally it is the mother or father who starts the healing process. Once they have been reconciled and healed they are then in a position to talk to their children and to help them deal with their own conflicts. More and more abortion survivors are initiating the reconciliation process in families. Because the conflicts are so deep it seems unreasonable to deal with the family as a unit. Rather one person from the family entity must accept to take on the suffering associated with confronting the reality and this person will then become a minister of reconciliation in his or her family.

In general terms, in the post abortion situation, the first step for any person involved has to be the rehumanising process of that deeply damaged individual. Rehumanising means that the person again enters reality, leaves a world of half truths, fantasies and fears.  People need to deal with their family history, express their fears, hurts, confusion and anger. It is not easy for those who have had an abortion or who are abortion survivors to verbalise some of these issues, but it is an essential process.  This first part allows the next stage, the grieving process to take place. In the abortion situation, one must grieve a real person who was murdered.  This harsh reality can only be done by people who are "human" and have dealt with some of their deep conflicts. To mourn an aborted baby, this aborted person has to have a name and a place in the family. He or she needs to be welcomed into the family and then committed to God.  Guilt around the abortion can only be dealt with through reconciliation.  In the abortion situation there are multiple reconciliations which must be done: reconciliation with God, oneself, the child, those who have hurt the person, those who could have helped, those who were hurt, the other children. When the process is ended, the person must turn away from the "grave" and decide to lead a new life.

The healing process has to begin with one person. This person must then bring healing into the family unit. If a woman is healed, she must involve her husband, then together they will help the children. The idea about talking to a family about an abortion is one of the most difficult and uncomfortable thoughts there are. Many ministers and counsellors believe it should not be done. Unfortunately from our clinical  experience it seems that this extremely difficult  process cannot be avoided and that children often suspected that there was something very wrong in the family. It is in a sense an academic question because children seem to know. They resent it much more when they find out the truth from someone else than their parents. They know for many reasons, one of which is that parents cannot but communicate and indicate that something is very wrong. Pseudosecrets  in a family are very damaging and prevent children from asking their parents about all sorts of things and trusting their parents. Furthermore, children suffering from post abortion survivor syndrome need to understand both their own deep conflicts and those in the family.  They need to be able to address the transgenerational tragedies in their families.

Children should be told, but only when parents have dealt with their abortion and accepted God's forgiveness. It is important that children be told in the context of the family with both parents present. Parents should make sure their children feel secure by letting them know that they are prepared to deal with any questions, endure the emotional outbursts from their children and that they are always welcomed whether convenient or not. Parents should be told that children may ask hard and difficult question such as: "Where did they put the baby?' Children may express a variety of emotions such as disbelief, rage, fear, withdrawal, anger, stoicism, pain, excessive caring for his parents or saying: "I always knew it". Parents need to provide the child with as much information as he or she can absorb at any one time. A possible way of starting is to tell the child that he or she had a little brother or sister. They then wait for the child's questions. Parents need to express real remorse and engage in the whole process of forgiveness and reconciliation. They must accept the child's forgiveness soberly. The enormous gift of God's forgiveness and mercy and the good news of the Gospel  has to be explained to the children.

When it is the abortion survivor who comes for help many issues have to be dealt with before the person can initiate healing in his or her family. Healing the family is a longer and more difficult process because of the prolonged intrafamily psychological conflicts. For abortion survivors the rehumanisation process is complex because it needs to be combined with a phase of learning to verbalise and conceptualise their conflicts, confronting reality and dealing with truth. The abortion survivor needs to deal with conflicts associated with existential anxiety, anxious attachments and trust. As in the postabortion syndrome, guilt is often a major issue. Abortion survivors suffer from many types of guilt: guilt about existing (because somebody else died and I lived), ontological guilt (because I did not believe I deserved to exist, I did not develop my talents), guilt about their mother's abortion (had I been a better child, she would not have aborted or because I partook in the abortion decision) and/or the one they themselves had. Welcoming the aborted sibling, committing his soul to God and reconciliation with him or her is the cornerstone to healing.  Often when the person finally comes to confront the extensive damage which resulted from the abortion, they feel enormous anger. When these issues have been dealt with, the abortion survivor must now engage in the long and difficult process of reconciliation with their parents. In our experience this process can take months even years.

In the healing of the family one must remember  the grandparents who have by their presence or absence been a part of the abortion decision. The sins of omission or commission burden the elderly people of our generation often pushing them to despair and requests for assisted suicide.

Men are also affected by abortion.  From the data that we have collected on the telephone calls to an abortion help line, women report that 80% of their relationships break up following an abortion.  This must be remembered in light of the fact that in many instances their partners had insisted that they have an abortion or they would end the relationship.  It appears that men's self-esteem is badly damaged by the knowledge that their sexuality has ended in the death of an innocent individual.  There is evidence that the rate of impotence increases following an abortion.  Men are also very angry after an abortion, particularly if their partner had the abortion with his awareness or consent.  At a biological level, men recognize that their most important contribution in life is to a continuation of their particular genetic line.  After an abortion there is a sense of helplessness and rage which may have explained the rapidly increasing level of violence by men toward women (especially rape and spousal abuse).  Because women are more likely to abort or miscarry without spousal support and men are less likely to support their spouses when they cannot bond to the infant (because of its unlikely future), a vicious cycle ensues with men less likely to support, women more likely to abort, and so on.

Grandparents react with fear and sorrow.  I have witnessed in China many scenes, one of which was in a restaurant, when one child is plied with food and attention by two parents and four grandparents who vie with each other.  The net effect is a very badly spoiled child and grandparents who are angry with other.  They are also sorrowful that they do not have more grandchildren to provide meaning and purpose to their old age.  They also have great fear wondering how their offspring (whom they may have treated with disregard, particularly because of abortion) now must look after them in their weakness and pain.

Additional Reading:

1) Dillon J. A Path to Hope: For Parents of Aborted Children and Those Who Minister to Them. (Third Edition) Resurrection Press, Mineola, NY (1992).

2) Ney PG. The psychological effects of abortion on the family. Dolentium Hominum 25:  57-62  (1994).

3) Ney PG and Peeters M. Abortion Survivors (Second Edition) Pioneer Publishing, Victoria, Canada (1996).

4) Ney PG and Peeters M.  Deeply damaged: An Explanation for the Profound Problems Arising from Infant Abortion and Child Abuse (Third Edition), Pioneer Publishing, Victoria, Canada  (1995).

5) Ney PG and Peeters M. How to Talk to Your Children About Your Abortion: A Practical Guide for Parents. (Second Edition), Pioneer Publishing, Victoria, Canada (1995).

6) Reardon D. Aborted Women: Silent No More, Loyola Press, Chicago (1987).

7) Stanford S. Will I Cry Tomorrow? Fleming H Revell Co, Old Tappan, NJ (1986).