The
First Right of Every Child is to be Welcomed into a Family
Philip
G. Ney, MD, MA FRCP(C)
©
1983
| It is
often persuasively put and loudly proclaimed, "Every
child a wanted child." "The first right of
every child is to be wanted." International Planned
Parenthood Federation (IPPF) has persistently promulgated
this notion. Many governments have accepted it.
The UN believes it and many Christians, unthinkingly, understand
this to be right and logical. If you do, you are also agreeing
that, if the first right of a child is to be wanted, if he
is not wanted he has no right to be. You are supporting the
notion that it is the right of a woman, parent, or a state
to terminate the life of those who are not wanted. Whether
you like it or not, to be wanted has become the only criteria
that decides who lives and who dies for millions of people. |
|
To be not wanted is a death sentence. Wantedness, as the
determining factor on life and death, began with a pre-born and
hardly anyone questioned the logic. Then to save parents distress
and the government money it was applied to the handicapped. Now
it is being applied to the elderly. Soon everyone, including you,
will have the criteria of 'wantedness' applied to your life. Your
existence hangs in the tenuous balance of whether you are wanted,
i.e. have some value to somebody or to the state, versus your
unwantedness, e.g. have no ability to produce or consume, or have
become an irritation because you are a Christian, Moslem, Mormon
or Jew.
For many years it was argued that: a) unwanted children would
be abused and later become criminals, b) if abortion was freely
available, there would be no unwanted children and rates of abuse
and criminal behaviour would decline. The logic is wrong and statistics
clearly show it doesn't work. The best evidence from our research
and others is that, as the rate of abortions has increased, so
too has the rate of child abuse1. We found statistically
significant evidence that wanted children are more likely to be
abused. The reasons are that;
1) they have high, usually too high, expectations placed
upon them. When they fail to perform well, are a disappointment
to their parents, they may be harshly corrected. Thus they
become mistreated, because of who they are and develop low self
esteem. Because they view themselves as failures they tend
to become depressed and/or give up. This may provoke even
harsher discipline or rejection by parents;
2) Every species has an instinctual restraint to control
anger that is felt toward helpless young. When a baby awakens
you at two o'clock in the morning, when you are deeply asleep
after a long, tiring day, your first response is irritation, even
"Shut up you little brat! I've got to get some sleep."
God designed us so that often our first response to a helpless
cry is aggression, because anger is good at making us fully alert.
As we become fully conscious, the instinctual restraint to aggression
kicks in. That initial response of aggression is mollified
and modified and becomes one of nurturing. "Aw, you
poor little thing. You must be hungry, (cold, wet, tired
or frightened). Here, let me look after you."
There is a fine balance between assault or neglect and nurture
in the ecology of humans. Abortion has upset that balance in many
millions of mothers and fathers, weakened or broken the instinctual
restraint of aggression toward the helpless cry. Now approximately
2/3 of pre-born children, 2/3 of old people and 3/4 of handicapped
people are no longer instinctually protected from their care givers
aggression;
3) Abortion interferes with parent-infant bonding. Bonding
is necessary to make sure the child is cared for at least as well
as the parents care for themselves. Evidence shows that if a mother
has had a pregnancy loss she does not bond well to a subsequent
child.2,3 If she has had an abortion she is more anxious during
her next pregnancy,4 more inclined to worry that her baby is abnormal
and less inclined to prepare for the baby's arrival. After the
baby's arrival she is more apt to be depressed.5 That depression
interferes with the bonding.6 Poorly bonded children are
more likely to be abused and neglected.
4) Post-abortion women are less likely to touch and therefore
to breastfeed their next babies. Essential fatty acids, which
are almost exclusively found in human breast milk, are necessary
for the formation of the brain's white matter and the myelin sheath
of peripheral nerves . If children are not breastfed, they are
not as intelligent or as quick as they were designed to be;
5) We have evidence to show there are high rates of relationship
or marital breakup following abortion. In a study of post abortion
women, 80% of the partners left. Children who have only one parent
do not develop as well and are more likely to be the subject of
anger at the departed spouse being projected onto them, "He
is just like that no good father of his.";
6) The children born following or prior to an abortion are survivors.7,8,9
They are alive when their siblings were terminated. This results
in, a) survivor guilt which makes them feel they ought not to
be alive, b) an inability to fully live their lives or utilize
their opportunities, c) a sense of impending doom; a feeling that
they are going to die as arbitrarily and quickly as their aborted
sibling. Therefore they tend to give up easily and don't plan
for the future, d) distrust. Since their parents are willing
and capable of killing one of their siblings, abortion survivors
cannot trust their parents, or any parent-like figure, for guidance
or nurturing, e) deep anger. Having been dangled by the
tenuous thread of wantedness for so long, abortion survivors are
at first compliant and then full of rage that they may express
by being wantonly destructive, f) much risk taking. Abortion
survivors flirt with death. Because they feel guilty about
existing, and anger at the world, they tend to disregard their
own safety and security, g) childlessness, Abortion survivors
don't want to have children.
Wantedness is probably the most pernicious, destructive idea
in the world today. Jesus said "Welcome a child in
my name." When you welcome a person you welcome as
they are, where they are, just as they are. The first right of
a child is not to be wanted, but to be, to be here to become what
God intended and to be welcomed in Jesus' name and in your name.
Your right to be is your only inalienable right. To welcome a
person in Jesus' name is to pass on Jesus' welcome to them. When
you welcome a person in your name, as from ancient times, you
are extending to them your hospitality and protection.
Having children makes you mature. Children restrain your
penchant toward narcissistic materialism. When you have children,
you plan, work and conserve for the future. Thus children create
hope. When people are hopeful they have children, and when there
are plenty of children there is hope and prosperity. It
is not possible to run a free market economy with a declining
population. There are not enough people to produce or to buy.
The population becomes top heavy with old people, and therefore
old people are increasingly resented. There are now fewer
services from the government available for the elderly.
In almost every part of the world there is an exponentially diminishing
birthrate. Some countries, recognizing the implications, are scrambling
to correct it. But they have found that once the natural
ecology between parent and child is damaged, it is difficult,
maybe impossible to correct the imbalance. Efforts in Romania
with draconian laws and pregnancy police or East Germany with
monetary incentives to encourage people to have children, failed.
In North America the birth rate of children per couple is 1.7
(2.1 are necessary to maintain stable population). North America
prospers because of immigration. Canada, in particular,
is an attractive place to live. Therefore the Canadian government
can be selective, bringing in intelligent, healthy, well educated
people who help build the economy, but this is at the expense
of many other countries. Russia, the Ukraine and some west European
countries are struggling with a declining population and struggling
to make their economy work.
Every child has a utilitarian value. They are needed by
the world to produce, consume and pay taxes. Handicapped
children bring out the best in us, they teach us to be loving.
They keep us civilized.
Every child has a biochemical duality. He/she need two
parents of opposite sexes that are well bonded and committed to
each other to bring out the best aspects of their personality.
His sexual identity is developed in identifying with the parent
of his/her sex. Respect for the opposite sex develops from
the role modeling of his parents interaction with each other.
The problem in many families is that fathers are deserting and
many girls grow up in fatherless families. This creates an unfulfilled
need to be loved and held by a father-like figure. There is both
a deep yearning for and a deep distrust of men. The absent father
woman trying to find somebody who will fill this need, marries
a man who was probably neglected by his mother. They select and
coach each other, then dramatize this mutual conflict. In their
disappointment in each other, they scapegoat then kill the pre-born
child. Abortion results from a tragic triangle of perpetrator,
victim and observer, (P.V.O.).10 The observers role
is critical. Grandparents have colluded, doctors have permitted,
pastors, priests and church leaders have ignored. In matters
of life and death, there are no innocent bystanders. In some way
almost everyone has contributed to the massive destruction
of innocent, pre-born children.
God's original intention of fellowship with humans was temporarily
frustrated in the Garden of Eden. His alternative plan through
the death of Jesus will work. The Hope Alive counseling
method is thoroughly Christian and thoroughly scientific.
Our hope is to promote healing and reconciliation of humans toward
each other and people with God. International Hope Alive Counsellors
Association (IHACA) provides training for those who are interested
in doing intensive group psychotherapy designed to provide insight
and new skills for those who are deeply damaged by a combination
of pregnancy loss, particularly abortion, plus child abuse and
neglect. There is nothing more dehumanizing or deeply damaging
especially when to this combination is added the post-abortion
survivors syndrome.11 Hope Alive group counseling is intense,
difficult work and requires insightful, mature people. Anyone
interested can contact us and we can put them in touch with a
trainer.* There is hope and healing in this sad world. To
prevent abortion, to treat those who are deeply damaged by child
abuse and abortion, and to welcome everyone is a demanding task,
and not without cost.
Do not tell children they are wanted. Tell every child
they are welcome. Show them you are glad they are who they
are and that God made them. For when children are welcomed,
they can be who they were designed to be. They can welcome
others. They will not wonder about your wantedness when
you become old and feeble. Welcomed children live with a
sense of purpose and joy. While wanted children, particularly
abortion survivors, are fearful and resentful, welcomed children
feel and express hope. They pass on that hope by having
and welcoming their own children and children who are being mistreated.
References
1. NEY PG. "A Relationship Between Abortion and Child Abuse",
Can J Psychiatry 24:610-620, 1979.
2. Klaus M G. Kennel JH: Maternal-infant Bonding. St. Louis:
C V Mosby Co., 1976.
3. Lewis E: Mourning by the family after a still birth or neonatal
death. Arch Dis Child 54: 303-306, 1979
4. Bradley C. F. Abortion and subsequent pregnancy. Can J. Psychiatry.
29, 494-498, 1984.
5. Kumar R, Robson K: previous induced abortion and antenatal
depression in primiparae: A preliminary report of a survey of
mental health in pregnancy. Psychol Med 8: 711-715, 1978
6. NEY PG. FUNG T. WICKETT AR. "Relationship Between Induced
Abortion and Child Abuse and Neglect: Four Studies", Pre
and Perinatal Psychology J. 8:43-63, 1993
7. NEY PG. "A Consideration of Abortion Survivors",
Child Psychiatry Hum Dev 13:168-179, 1983.
8. NEY PG. PEETERS MA. Abortion Survivors (2nd Edition),
Victoria, Pioneer Publishing, 1996.
9. NEY PG. "Abortion and Family Psychology: A study
in progress", Canadian Journal of Diagnosis, 16(1): 113-119,
1999
10. NEY PG. "Transgenerational Triangles of Abuse: A Model
of Family Violence", In Intimate Violence: Interdisciplinary
Perspectives. Ed: Emilio C. Viano. Washington: Hemisphere
Publishing, 1992. pp.15-25.
11. NEY PG. PEETERS MA. Deeply Damaged (3rd ed), Victoria:
Pioneer Publishing, 1997.
* IIPLACARR, PO Box 27103, 750 Goldstream Avenue,
Colwood Corners, Victoria, BC V9B 5S4, CANADA
